I am so thankful for God's Grace and Mercy. How beautiful they are and how much I have seen them working in my life lately. I'm at a point where I feel like I'm making so many mistakes. I'm fighting my flesh in ways I wish weren't a thorn to me. I wasn't warned when coming down here that satan would be attacking me times 80 billion. I know that's not something I needed warned of because it's an obvious. Learning to hear God's voice in the quieter times so we can also know how to recognize him amongst all the chaos is so important. That's what I'm learning right now. I'm making a lot of mistakes, but I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit and His constant nudge at my heart. I'm also thankful for the amazing mentorship I have surrounding me. I have also made some wonderful friends, which is a huge answer to prayer. I still struggle with missing home and my amazing friends there, but I know I'm where God wants me, and I wouldn't give that up for anything.
My kids and teens at my apartments are amazing. Words can't describe the joy I get being around them, even if they are punching each other and me. I see small improvement each time I'm there in their attitudes. These are precious children who need Jesus. 2 of my kids had to watch their mom get arrested a couple of days again. I was thankfully there with them as it happened. How do you explain to children crying as their mom is being taken away that God is in control, and that He is Sovereign? My heart broke so so much for this family. A dad on drugs who doesn't seem to care much what happens to them. I almost put them in my car and took them home with me, but I couldn't obviously. I was required to call child protective services, which is a hard thing to do. please be praying for these children. I had a long talk with the girl last night (she is 13). She told me how she doesn't think she is a Christian, but she believes in God. She just doesn't like it when He makes bad things happen to her. Obviously we know that's not true, but this is how this girl feels as she struggles to watch her life fall apart. She and her brother are homeless, mom-less, and basically dad-less. These are all things I can't imagine dealing with, but that's a lot of these kids' world. There's a song by Mathew West called own own little world. I've heard it 1,000 times but have not really every paid attention to the words. The lyrics are amazing. There is a whole other world out there from the one I'm used to. A world where not everyone has food in their fridge, or has 50 Bibles on their shelf, or parents who care anything about them. A world I am starting to see that breaks my heart. I am so thankful God is in control, it just still comes down to me fully letting Him take it. Please be in prayer for all these kids I come in contact with daily. They are precious children who need Jesus

Soooo I've now been here like 6 ish weeks? And oh how the time has flown by, and yet at the same time it feels I've been here a while. Again, as stated previously, time is a trippy thing here. So many thoughts running through this small mind of mind. Where to even start with all the amazing things happening? So I have started after school programs now, which means I get to be out in the apartments every day after the kids get out of school. I know it should probably be much more organized then mine is, but the Lord did not gift me with that ability. Plus, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing! literally...I do a little Bible study with them, give them food, then play with them. The little boys love to use me as a punching bag, I guess I'm fun to punch and jump on? It's all good though because I get them back by beating them in soccer and football :)  Today, they literally ransacked the apartment and destroyed it. I have come to realize I have no authority with children (scares me for my own someday). It's so much fun though because as I'm out there more, the children trust me more, along with the parents. It's such a dark apartment complex I'm in. I feel it all around as I walk through it, the hold that Satan has on these people's lives.  These little kids have seen and done more than I could ever imagine. Their idea of playing is pretending to do drugs. Seriously. And I went in to an apartment today to visit a family and the kids were watching porn. I don't make this stuff up. I see the hold that Satan has on this apartment complex, and it's such a sad feeling walking around seeing it. How has he been given so much control in this place? How do you do a Bible study when the kids are screaming at each other over you yelling cuss words during prayer? It's been amazingly humbling to see how nothing I do on my own is going to get throuh to these kids. I can love on them, and be a consistent part of their life-and that's it. I can't force them to listen and understand my Bible studies. Literally there is NOTHING I can do alone. It's been a helpless feeling almost because I have been looking at it as what I'M doing, not what God is doing. As much as I love to pretend it's not true, I'm a bit of a controller. Ok I'm a lot of a controller, and that's scary. God is clearly showing me how much control in this situation I lack. In fact, as I saw today as the kids stole items from the apartment, I have none! I need much prayer as I try to get involved in these people's lives. It can only be God to break this hold Satan has. I have full faith it will happen. I know it's so important in my own life to constantly be seeking God daily, and growing closer in  my relationship. I have already seen how that can almost be neglected in the process of trying to minister to these people constantly, literally going from morning until night. At the same time though, I can't truly minister to them when my own life is not in order. I have so much to learn about ministry, and I have so much growth to do. I see how inadequate I truly am, which is discouraging yet humbling at the same time. 

So I have made it to almost 2 weeks I believe. Here I am....again.....on a friday night, at panera. It closes at 9 though, and I can't even get here until after 8, so that's kind of sad.Time here is kind of a trippy thing, like every day runs together. There is no weekend feel, sunday really is the only different day. All days are awesome though. So I have been amazed lately at God's Grace. I know I'm only at week 2, and it can only get harder, but the things I thought I would struggle with, I don't. I have new struggles to replace the old ones though. A constant battle I suppose. And I know the old ones can pop up to punch me at any time. I was sitting in my living room, mmob (minding my own business, text lingo ya know), and I see a large dark thing sprint across in to the bathroom. All my roach killing gear was in the bathroom consequently, ie my  broom, swiffer mop, can of raid, and stool (to stand on so I can kill the roach w out being on its level. I'm neurotic sometimes). Anyway, so I put on some kitchen gloves-not really sure the point behind that-and snuck into the bathroom, only to find him rudely hanging out in the corner. This was by far larger than the other ones. Anyway, loong story short, I managed to jump on the stool, grab the raid, use the whole can on him while running around the bathroom chasing it. He also turned on me and started chasing me. I'm sure I looked ridiculos if anyone was watching (which would be creepy if they were). These roaches are getting smarter. I eventually killed him after a long time. Basic point of that story, I was sitting on my floor, reading my Bible reflecting on God's Grace, and thanking him for me going a few days roach free. Literally I saw this roach right after. Silly thing really, but I still have so much to learn. I know, I know, it's dumb how big of a deal these roaches are to me. So dumb I spend half my blogs writing about them, but God knows I have many little lessons to learn, as well as massive ones, so I'm thankful He's starting me off small.
So exciting news, I have been getting to drive this massive truck thingy, kind of like a bread truck looking thing. I can barely see over the steering wheel, but they let me drive it. I get laughed at while driving down the road because I look suuuuuper awkward driving it I'm sure, but it's so much fun. Coolest thing about getting to deliver the furniture is 1) I get to see people's face when I bring their furniture. They go from having an empty place, to a full one. I get to watch these people get blessed by God, which really is such a blessing for me. 2) I get to always take 2 guys along with me to help carry the heavy furniture up 50 flights of winding stairs in to these people's apts. They are all here because they have to, like they are working off community service hours, on probation for something, etc etc. I am in the position to get to know their life stories and just talk with them. I talked with one 19 year old gentlemen during our long ride. He couldn't fathom being here because I want to, not because I have to (they all always ask if I'm on working off my probation too). He told me he wanted to be at the point where his life wasn't his own, and he wanted a relationship with God, he just doesn't see it ever happening. He said he believes in a God, just doesn't "walk the walk", but he thinks it's cool because that makes him saved. He doesn't need the relationship, only the belief. clearly, this is missing the point. If just believing in God was enough to get you in to Heaven, then I believe every demon and satan would be joining us, because the Bible is clear that they too believe in Him. At the same time, works don't get you in either, but your works come out of your faith/relationship/love for God. I explained this to him, and he listened to me talk about it all. Pretty awesome day today basically. Oh and one of my other riders is a manager at mcdonalds, and told me he would hook me up with free fries. Seriously, I have been dreaming of the day I would meet a friend who worked at mcdonalds. Dream come true. Anyway, God has been placing interesting people in my path such as these, and I'm thankful for it. I never imagined I would be the girl delivery driver here, but it's an amazing place to be. I think I may have some awesomely gross guns soon from lifting furniture all day. Just another thing to add to my man arm physique-cool.
So apart from all the awesomeness and seeing God work in such cool ways, it isn't all always awesomeness. It's hard work, physically and emotionally. I have a new set of struggles down here in TX that I didn't have back home. I'm homesick, I miss my nephew and parents more than words can describe. My mom sends me pictures of Levi everynight that make me cry. I don't get to be there to help with his bathes and play baseball with him, or read his bedtime stories. It was nice living at home for a while before coming here. As much as I have been saying I don't want a traditional life, I'm terrified that I see it quickly slipping away. I'v worked 4.5 years to be a nurse, and that makes up 0% of what I do here now. Am I throwing away a talent God has blessed me with? Assuming I even have that talent. Am I even affective here? I feel different already, and I'm not sure yet how good or bad that is. I mean, I'm sitting here alone, sipping on a soy chai latte on a friday night. I know by every definition, that makes me lame; However I'm totally content. I'm social for 12 hours of the day, being alone 2 hours before bed isn't that silly is it? Ok I think that's it for now. Things for you guys to pray for 1) Please pray for the people I drive around 2) Pray for my 2 new Chinese friends, who don't technically know they are my friends yet-crazy story, but I know God has a purpose there. 3)Pray I don't grow weary. It's only week 2, so newness is still overflowing in my emotions. It's going to punch me in the face soon I fear. 3) Pray for my girls and kids who I teach on sundays and wednesday. I just met them all this week, and it may be a challenge. They are precious kids though, and I want them to know Jesus.
Verse I will end this with is Romans6:14 "For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under GRACE." I've had to constantly repeat this verse over and over lately. A nice truth to know, but a hard one to truly grasp. Still learning to truly grasp/accept grace. What a beautiful thing that is, and oh how much I need it constantly. Ok that's all for now. Love you all

First week!

So I'm not a blogger, I'm a journaler, and a private person mostly, but you guys are my friends who I am kind of far away from now! And I want to be able to share everything God is doing down here with each and every one of you! Soooo here goes my series of blogs that will take place while I'm in Texas (however long God decides to keep me here). The Lord did not bless me with the gift of writing, so try and refrain from critiquing my grammar and spelling (like I think I spelled critiquing wrong? whatever).
Day 1 in Texas started crazy like because it poured and monsooned on me the whole way up. I also got lost 50 kagillion times. The moment I pulled in to the mission, I got whisked away to a Bible study in an apt complex. We crammed like 30 kids on a small bus, so that in itself was an experience. These are kids from very low income housing, and they do not come from the best backgrounds for the most part. It was so great to be able to share God's Word with them, while getting to feed them at the same time. We can't only feed the spiritual, but we also must feed the physical. I got back to my apt around 930 pm where I was given the key to the place I'm staying. First off I was slightly shocked to learn I would be living alone. I have always had roomies (who I miss dearly), so living alone is kind of weird for me, and lonely as well. I got a nice warm greeting from a massive cockroach the size of cow (his name is Gomez). I have learned these things are not easy to kill. I thought I killed him, given the fact he was on his back and smashed to pieces, however he surprised me by running off as soon as I turned my back. Anyone who knows me knows that bugs are my #1 fear (next to clowns and flying). I was on my knees praying all night that this massive creature would not come get me in my sleep. I don't exaggerate when I say that I prayed most of the night about this, partly because I couldn't sleep out of fear. I was in tears ready to come home already. Literally, I cried, and I don't really cry. I was homesick already, and I had a beast loose in my apt. Silly thing to cry over I know. The Lord answered my prayer and Gomez was found dead in the morning. He is currently under 2 bowls just in case though; And he will stay there until someone comes and gets him. I learned a lot my first night there. 1st off, how silly is it that praying over a cockroach was the hardest I had prayed in a long time. God still was faithful to answer my prayer, no matter how silly a prayer it felt like. 2nd lesson, I may be living with large cockroaches, but I'm not in Arlington to live in luxury. I'm here to serve, under any conditions. This isn't about me, or anyone else for that matter. This is about Christ and His glory. One of my favorite verses in Matthew 25:40 And the King will answer and say to them, "Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me."
I have been so blessed already to be here. I get to serve in the medical clinic, which is cool since I'm a nurse and all that jazz. I also get to serve in the front office, where we take people who need help in a room and just talk with them. We find out their needs, whether for food, finances, or stuff to furnish their homes. Most of them sat with me and cried and told me their struggles. I prayed with every person I talked to, which how awesome is that?  Seriously it's such as blessing for me. People who literally had nothing, not even a home, still praising God for what little they had (basically the clothes on their back). Please, if I ever whine about anything again, punch me in the face. These people have nothing at all, and I'm complaining of a cockroach? Praise God I have a roof over my head. This has been such a humbling experience, and it's only day 4. I can't imagine being anywhere else right now. The work isn't easy, and the days are loooong. I live alone and have to kill my own bugs now when they get in my apt, but God has given me peace in my solitude. I get to serve alongside people who are not believers as well.. A lot of the volunteers there are working off community service and are only there because they have to be. I got to work beside a girl named Elizabeth today who is trying to work off tickets, but she wants to continue volunteering there because of what she sees. Everyone has been loving and open to her. The founder of the shelter is even out there alongside all of us in the heat working, and she is in her 70's. She sees that example of believers and is drawn to it, wanting more. Oh the ways God works...Seriously I could go on forever here, but I'm at panera to get internet, and they close soon.....This was a super long babbling post, so if you read this far, bless your heart. I love you all. Please pray for the people who I will come in contact with. Pray God starts preparing their hearts now, and God works through me. I'm so underserving, but God chooses the least of people to work through. I'm not a theologian or philosopher, or any of that jazz, however God still is using me to get His Word out. How humbling again that is.
Jess

Ooooh I forgot to add that I also have a new gecko lizzard friend living with me in my apt. Univited of course, but he's a quick little guy and hard to catch. If he has an Australian accent like the ones on the commercial, I'm cool with that!